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What should I get Bobbi for our anniversary this year? Two years ago I finally got her an engagement ring - how can I ever top that? After 31 years, I'm running out of ideas. I find myself wondering if a new toaster would be out of line. I know! I could fill it with roses!
The possibility of civil marriage is just making matters worse for me. It took me 25 years to remember just what date in February is THE date. When we finally have a real ceremony, if it isn't on February 3, how in the world will I ever remember it? Bobbi, of course, will be able to tell me the exact hour, minute and second when it occurs - no pressure there!
If we were to get married in, say, July, which date would I celebrate? Both, according to Bobbi, who says February is when we'll always celebrate the joining of our hearts. The anniversary of the civil ceremony would be set aside as a celebration of our rights.
It's strange that two words that sound alike but are spelled differently actually have the same connotation in this instance. The only way we can participate in the rite of marriage is to be allowed to participate in the right of marriage. On the other hand, just because we have the right to participate in marriage; it doesn't necessarily follow that we MUST participate in the rite of marriage.
I consider the right to marry to be analogous to the right to vote - having the right and exercising it are two separate things. Being excluded from choosing for ourselves whether or not to exercise a right is both demeaning and dehumanizing. Not allowing us the option of electing marriage in effect lowers our community to the level of children and perpetuates the 1960s idea that homosexuals are in an endless state of arrested development. Children, of course, are not allowed to marry because they aren't yet capable of discerning the difference between hormonal lust and a desire for lifelong commitment.
Think about it. Isn't this exactly the way the radical right portrays us? According to them, we are ruled by lust - jumping from bed to bed indiscriminately, living solely for the moment, and for what feels good. This describes nearly every teenager I've ever known - both gay and non-gay. The radical right, however, believes that gays never grow up. We are stuck in perpetual childhood, incapable of making adult decisions about our own futures.
Before the 1960s, our African-American citizens were treated the same way - as children who weren't capable of understanding the importance of the right to vote. Many adherents of the radical right back then genuinely felt that allowing blacks the right to vote would erode our democratic system. In their minds, we might as well have given five-year-olds the right to vote! Since the civil rights era, all the radical right has done is transfer that belief from African-Americans to the gay community.
Yes, there are those of us who won't choose to exercise the right to marry just as there are African-Americans who don't choose to exercise the right to vote. However, once we have the option of making the choice for ourselves, we will instantly "grow up" in the minds of many of our neighbors. We will suddenly acquire a co-equality with the rest of the adult world and the dignity that we are entitled to as competent members of society.
The right to marry will not be a panacea for everything that is wrong in the gay community, but it will be a start toward our inclusion as active members of the American citizenry. I am looking forward to being acknowledged as a grownup, capable of deciding for myself whether or not to participate in the rites of marriage. Mind you, I'm sure I'll still have trouble remembering the date!
If you would like more information about events or meetings or would like
to invite representatives from VFMTF to speak at your place of work, community
of faith, civil organization, etc, contact Wendy Beinner (802-652-0723), Roberta
Garr (802-223-7620), Bari Shamas (802-387-5788) or Sandi Cote (802-362-2959).
You can also email VFMTF or visit
our Website.
