OP/ED
It's Time to Come Out
From
the Editor
It's Time to Come Out
A
local businessman recently told me a story that I can’t quite get
out of my head. He said a middle-aged lesbian couple, clients of his for
years, told him that the advent of civil unions and the corresponding
debate and spotlight on the GLBT community has upset them. They no longer
feel able to go about their lives without having people question their
relationship. They feel invaded and uncomfortable in a place where they
had ferreted out a private and secure life.
My first reaction was one of sympathy for this couple. Many amongst us are accustomed to keeping our personal lives very quiet. The live and let live attitude prevalent in Vermont has been the perfect place for those of us who don’t want to wear our sexual orientation on our sleeves or t-shirts or car bumpers. Now, it seems that safe little world has been turned on end. So I could understand the frustration of these two women.
However, the more I think about it, the more I feel frustrated by them, rather than for them. What is it that keeps so many of us living such closeted lives? What more do our activists and legislators have to do to get us all to live honestly? In Vermont, we are legally protected from discrimination. We can’t be fired due to our sexual orientation. There are laws that make attacks motivated by hate a higher level of crime. Is there a valid excuse for staying in the closet anymore? I don’t think so.
Even the most out amongst us, myself included, can name a few people with whom they avoid certain subjects, and the uncomfortable conversation that we fear would ensue. Do we really believe what our detractors say about us? Are we really other than normal? Do we deserve to live less than totally fulfilled and honest lives? I don’t think so.
We are unique in the circle of minorities. We don’t necessarily look different, so it is possible for us to ’pass’ as non-gay when we want to. Is that fair? The advances in civil rights we have made come on the backs of the fight for women’s rights, and those of people of color. Should we be so cavalier about admitting our minority status when it is comfortable and tucking it away when we’re not up to the fight? I don’t think so.
While I was covering the debate over our civil rights this past spring in our statehouse, I continually had to refuse offers of stickers from activists. It was clearly wrong for me to appear in that building wearing a hot pink sticker that read “I support the freedom to marry.” I couldn’t wear an opinion on my sleeve. But should I openly identify myself as a lesbian?
Early in the session, I realized that I was wearing a blazer with a rainbow lapel on it. The pin lives on that jacket, and I hadn’t thought about it as I put it on early that morning. Once inside the Statehouse, I saw that I was wearing the pin, and started to remove it, then decided against it. I knew that had I been covering an issue of extreme importance to women, I couldn’t have—and wouldn’t have been expected to—hide or disguise my gender. Had the issue been one of discrimination against people with brown eyes, I certainly wouldn’t have gone out to purchase blue contact lenses. Would it be right for me to hide who I really was, just because I could? I don’t think so.
Showing our true selves is not, as our opponents often say, ’throwing it in their faces.’ It’s being honest. Until we all live openly and honestly, our community will continue to miss many of the valuable teachable moments that have helped to win the fights we’ve won so far. If your neighbor doesn’t know you are gay, who will teach him that we are human and normal and contributing members of the society he belongs to? If your coworkers don’t know you’re a lesbian, will they learn that their offhand jokes really do hurt people?
We must come out. We owe it to the people who have put themselves on the line for years to give us the protections we have now. We’ve stood on their backs long enough; it’s time for each of us to take on some responsibility.
Lest this be misunderstood, let me state unequivocally, I do not advocate outing each other. Each of us must take this on ourselves. Even the famous closeted celebrities have a right to out themselves on their own time—but I say the time has come. When legislators—gay and straight alike—are putting their careers on the line to win basic civil rights for us, I just can’t think of a valid excuse for any one of us living under those protections to continue to hide. Can our consciences allow us to stay in the closet when volunteers are forsaking family lives and sleep to further our cause? I don’t think so.
The laws are in place; the safety nets are there. If you’re afraid of losing your job, talk to the attorney general’s office. They’ll tell you how to protect yourself. If your neighbor reacts badly, alert the police. If they don’t respond properly, go over their heads. There is help out here—just use it!
When you start to lose your nerve, think of Representatives John Edwards and William Fyfe, who cost themselves their seats in the legislature because they did their jobs so admirably for us. Think of people who came out in the public hearings this spring because they knew that putting a personal face on the issue was the only way we were going to win what is rightfully ours. Think of all the people who came out when it was far less safe in order to win that safety for you in the form of the anti-discrimination law and the hate crimes law.
This month brings us National Coming Out Week. My challenge to each of us is to celebrate that week. Step out of the closet. If we each take a chance this month—push ourselves just a little bit beyond our usual comfort level—the results will be profound. For every one of us who does this, there will be at least one other person out there who learns something about us. Maybe one more person will understand why their legislator voted the way she did and decide to vote for her again.
Each step you take away from the closet makes the next one easier. We all dream of a world where our sexual orientations are a non-issue in society, right? Is that going to happen if we don’t open the closet doors first?
I don’t think so.
—BGD