Views
Things Change,
Sometimes for the Better
Coming Out and
Changing the World
Coming Out and Changing the World
by Ron Bernard
I hugged April when she told me that she had found the courage to come out as a transgendered person. She couldn’t ignore it anymore. Her struggle came down to a choice. She had to live honestly or die.
My mind flashed back a quarter century to the time that we had lived and worked together. We each thought the other one was straight. He was so cute then. He had such an easy and inviting smile that comforted everyone near him. When I looked into his eyes, I could see the goodness in his soul.
I also flashed back to the questions that raced through my head before I started coming out. Would I lose my friends? Would my family still accept me? Would my children be taken away from me? Would people say hurtful things to me? April faced these same questions, as she was poised between two worlds, knowing that her old life was over, not knowing if a new life was possible.
Since I made the transition between the straight world and the queer world, I knew that life is much better after you come out. There is an inner queer strength that comes from knowing that we are right while the authority figures are wrong. This queer strength makes us stronger than the straight people who never bother to question the world that they live in. Queer strength comes from rejecting religious bigots who can’t accept the honesty of our relationships. Queer strength comes from the sense of outrage we feel when elected leaders plot to oppress queer citizens. Queer strength comes from knowing that, although the world wants to change us, we are going to change the world. All we have to do to change the world is to be open, honest, and out.
When people are completely out to their relatives, friends, neighbors, and co-workers, they are making a public statement that GLBT people exist and they deserve the same respect as any other citizen. Well-adjusted adults try to get along with other people, and when they know you are queer, most people censor themselves and won’t say hurtful things around you. When you can talk about gay issues to your straight friends, you can educate them on how we face discrimination in state and federal laws. When you are out, people can’t ignore you. Americans are taught to believe that their country delivers equality to everyone. Openly lesbian Americans are a living reminder that this promise is not yet fully realized.
Anti-gay discrimination will eventually end. It will end sooner if more GLBT people come out of the closet and demand equality. The civil union testimony showed that the most effective arguments were queer people talking about their lives.
Coming out is empowering and energizing. The emotional energy that used to go into keeping a secret can now be used to teach others that being transgendered is wonderful. Coming out is like being released from prison.
Coming out made me feel like a whole person for the first time in my life. I thought coming out would make me vulnerable, but it made me powerful. I thought coming out would be stressful, but it took a huge burden off my shoulders.
M y fears were overblown about what would happen when I came out. I only lost one friend. I only have one relative whose religion and politics won’t allow him to see me as a human being. My children wanted to stay with me and be raised in a gay household. I’m glad that I gave the people in my life the opportunity to show me how much they liked the real me. When I was in the closet, I worried that people wouldn’t understand. I wasn’t giving them enough credit. Most relationships didn’t change after I came out. Relationships that were good remained good; those that weren’t so good didn’t get any better.
When we are out, we can overcome the anti-gay feelings that our neighbors or co-workers may have felt in the past by showing them that we are people too. It’s hard for people to hate someone that they know and like. We can change the world by being honest about who we are. Our friends and relatives will have to reconsider any anti-gay beliefs that they hold and those who are honest with themselves will realize that we are more important to them than a worn-out political or religious belief.
I hugged April. When I looked into her eyes, I could still see the goodness in her soul. Her smile still touched me. She makes a pretty cute woman. I searched for a way to let her know that coming out is the right thing to do. It is a better way to live. Fear will be replaced with courage. Worry will be replaced with freedom. She will know with blinding certainty that she deserves the same rights and respect as everyone else. She might even help change the world, one person at a time.
Ron Bernard is a computer architect who lives in Essex, VT. He is a gay father who has raised two daughters and can be reached at rbernar@yahoo.com