Gayity
Mr. Les B. Frank
Mr Les B. Frank
Your Guidance Counselor for Life
When I was selecting which letters to use for this edition, I was struck by similarities between the two, below. It’s not often that sex questions posed by lesbians and gay men strike such a chord, so I decided to break with my traditional format and do a single response to both.
Hey, Mr. Frank,
I met a great woman at a seminar about a month ago. We had a definite sexual attraction but we waited a while before going to bed together so we could develop an intellectual and emotional connection, too. When we finally did make love it turned into a big argument because I wanted to use a vibrator and a dildo that I think make sex really satisfying.
This woman, who is so great in so many other ways, said that she refuses to use any “substitutes for penises” in our lovemaking. She said we have all the tools we need without using anything else.
Part of me thinks she is overreacting but I don’t know if maybe she’s right and I am just buying into to the straight myth that a woman needs something penis-shaped in her to be sexually fulfilled.
Signed,
Alicia
Amherst, MA
Hey Mr. Frank!
My new boyfriend doesn’t understand why I haven’t put all my dildos away since him and I have been having sex. He totally freaked, the other night, when I wanted to use a big dildo up my butt after he had done me. He doesn’t have a clue how intensely pleasurable it can be to use toys in addition to our own equipment. He says he feels like his dick isn’t good enough or big enough for me. It is so not about that. I have been using dildos since I first knew that I liked up the butt action. And that was a long time ago.
Signed,
Tony
Rutland, VT
Dear Alicia and Tony,
You and I may view their reactions as too much ado about dildos, but for your respective sex partners those faux phalluses are symbols with a great deal of meaning.
Even with my sex-positive mind-set, I can still understand why Tony’s boyfriend feels inadequate. If you put a giant dildo up your ass, after I’d been in there with my more modest meat, I would definitely feel like I hadn’t been big enough to fully satisfy you. And, while that may not be the case, is that the message you want to send to your boyfriend? You say you’ve been using sex toys for a long time and that may be part of the problem. You’ve trained your mind and, specifically, your butthole to want and need bigger probes to get off.
Alicia’s girlfriend is taking a political as well as a sexual stance. While I respect her right to have that opinion, I wonder how far she takes it. Fingers can be inserted like dicks or dildos but I don’t know any lesbians who ban fingers from sex play. The reality is that the male and female sex organs have a natural fitting-together design. Just because our innate sexual orientation is different from heterosexuals’ doesn’t mean we get redesigned holes and poles.
There are companies that sell a wide variety of toys that look less like dicks. That resemblance may be what is sparking your girlfriend’s issue. You may also want to un-train your vagina and clitoris from needing to use accessories to stimulate sexual release.
Both of you may have to compromise. You may need to save your toys for solo sessions and stick to your original equipment for playtime with your partners.
Good luck, play safe and keep your toys clean.
Mr. Les B. Frank offers guidance counseling to people of all ages. He's also chief ball polisher for a men's bowling league. Some letters are edited for length, spelling or grammar. Send your questions and requests for guidance to HeyMrFrank@aol.com