Views
Understanding Elders
Understanding Elders
by Robert W. Wolff
Editor's
Note: Below is the text of the comments Bob Wolff delivered as a member
of a six-person panel of elders at the We Are Everywhere conference on
lgbt aging. A large percentage of the audience was made up of social workers
at various elder-services agencies and social work students.
Please understand that within everything
I am going to say I am not assuming that all of you are heterosexual even
though my brief shorthand comments may sound that way. Also, please know
that before I finish these comments I probably will use a word that scares
and angers a lot of people; the word QUEER. I am going to use this emotion-filled
word because I would like our community to own the word and use it to
mean Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender people and all those who stand
with us as we address our equal rights. In 1970 the word GAY had the same
emotional charge around it that QUEER does today. So, we can get over
Queer and own it like we did GAY.
This morning I am going to underline
or introduce some particular areas in which I think old Queer people wish
you would grasp and understand as you relate to us. I am going to personalize
my comments because I think that will be more meaningful.
Understand that I may not be heterosexual.
Know that I may not be unhealthy, emotionally unstable, depressed or manic
because I develop my most meaningful relationships with other men and
relate sexually with men. I am more likely to be anxious and/or depressed
about earning enough to pay for my rent, food, medical care and prescriptions
than about being gay. Understand that because I am gay and the TV stereotypes
have us behaving like flakey queens that we are not all flakey queens.
Not that there is anything wrong with flakey queens.
Understand that while you may be queasy
about what I do sexually in the privacy of my home with my partner, I
am not. Understand that, whatever your religious experience or experiences
with other people in the past, I may not want to change my sexual orientation
even if I could. Understand that I may be happy with my orientation. Understand
that I may have gone through hell in an attempt to change my orientation
before I knew it was okay to be queer. Understand that it is not possible
for me to change this orientation through mental health or religious activities.
Understand that I may believe that God made me gay just as the creator
made you as you are. Understand that my relationships may not begin and
end at sex acts any more than do your relationships.
Understand that LGBT people may be spiritual
or religious even though you may think that these things are mutually
exclusive. We may not praise, honor, worship or thank Goddess or God,
but then again, perhaps greater numbers of us than is obvious do worship
a higher power.
Know that I may be uneasy about coming out
to new health professionals in a clinical setting, even if I have health
concerns growing out of behaviors related to my sexual orientation. I
would like you to know that it will be easier for me and my brothers and
sisters if you develop a non-heterosexist organization and make it clear
on paper that you understand that your clients may not be heterosexual.
As part of making services from your organization acceptable to LGBT people,
you will certainly want to make your organization one that LGBT individuals
may serve openly. Finding my sexual orientation on your intake questionnaire
indicates to me that the organization accepts and understands people of
my sexual orientation.
Understand that I may have a substance abuse
problem. The built-in homophobia of our society may provide me with feelings
and concerns from which I try to get away through substances. This substance
abuse problem may exacerbate other health issues.
Understand that even though I am over 65
I quite likely have a sex life. Understand that I may not be lonely or
live an unproductive life. Don't assume that because I prefer relationships
with men, relationships that sometimes involve expression of affection
or love via sex, that I want to express myself sexually to young men or
boys, or men of any age without their willing involvement in that sex
play. Don't assume that I dislike womyn or underrate their contributions.
Understand that I may have children,
friends and a life partner. Assume that, like everyone else on earth today,
I may need to be reminded that Safer Sex principles must be practiced
all the time if I expect to remain HIV / Aids negative.
Understand that even if I can be joined
with a partner in Civil Union here in Vermont I may not be happy or accept
that I am a second class citizen in respect to the US Government, not
able to share federal benefits like Social Security, joint tax options,
etc. Don’t expect I will be glad that I cannot transfer Vermont
Civil Union or Marriage benefits from state to state. Understand that
I am not happy that young LGBT people growing up today cannot immediately
feel the joy that heterosexuals do when they imagine that they can be
married to someone with whom they enjoy sharing their lives. The LGBT
person still must go through what can be a tortured coming out process
to get to the place where they can begin to feel this same joy that is
second nature to others.
Understand that I will want my privacy respected
in the same way that any heterosexual, bisexual or transgender individual
or someone of another race would.
Understand that I want people who mean a
lot to me around me when I am ill and when I am dying. Understand that
some of these people will be of my own gender. Understand I may want to
be physically intimate with these individuals - that there will be hugging
and kissing in the hospital room. I may want my partner to be allowed
to sit with me through the night. Understand that I will expect you to
treat my friends as if they were family.
Understand that we will respect, honor and
thank you for treating us like human beings, more alike - than different
from - the heterosexuals among you.
Bob Wolff is a potter, theatrical set and sound designer, and queer
elder activist who lives and writes in Randolph.