In A Family Way
|
In
a Family Way |
by Ari Istar Lev
I had an experience on a local (Albany NY)
parenting listserve: the list owner refused to let me post an announcement
about an LGBT Parenting Conference because, she wrote, she's a Christian.
I decided to go public with this information by writing about it in my
nationally syndicated column as well as sending the email I received from
her to many of the list members for whom I had email addresses. Wow, talk
about a small action creating large waves.
When I woke up the following
morning, I had numerous emails in my mailbox, all of them supportive.
A few people were appalled, a number decided to leave the parenting list
in disgust, two people came out to me as bisexual, and two more shared
that they had close relatives who were gay.
The most surprising disclosure, though,
was from the listowner herself who told me that the reason she has such
strong feelings about the issue of gay parenting is that her mother is
gay! In my line of work, not much trips me up, but this confession moved
me from shock to a long guffaw and finally to a place of emotional reflection
and something akin to compassion. I, of course, invited her to attend
the LGBT Parenting Conference.
You've all heard the joke that to
lower anxiety about public speaking, you should envision the audience
to be naked. It levels the playing field, since most of us feel a bit
naked when standing in front of an audience. I suspect part of the resistance
we experience when doing LGBT education, particularly in school systems,
is that we are up against very personal issues about people's own families.
To talk about starting a gay/straight alliance in a high school, to talk
about including gay parents as a viable family form in elementary school
classrooms, is to face parents and teachers whose own closets are full
of skeletons: the brother who died of AIDS that no one talks about; the
petting they remember in high school with a same-sex peer; the rumor an
aunt shared about their father's gay relationship (I've heard that story
four times in the past decade); their fears that their son's love of art
and beauty may indicate something about his future sexuality. Our naked
insistence on our humanity and our willingness to simply be queer families
out and proud may make others feel exposed, unable to hide their own unresolved
queer life experiences.
Talking about gay families and gay
people is not something "over there," but something that every
family has a personal and unique relationship to, a unique queer relation
in the family. Since most people have not really examined these issues
about homosexuality in their own families, neighborhoods, and social circles,
those of us who dare to keep talking about it, up front and center, are
opening up a proverbial can of worms that our listeners can barely emotionally
handle. Educating people about queer families is not just a scholarly
task, not just facts and figures. It takes skill and sensitivity to work
with people's, dare I say, latent psychological experiences, what Carl
Jung called the shadow self. It’s something like this: behind every
Kinsey 6 heterosexual is lurking a queer memory or experience reinforcing
the bolt on the closet door.
In order to educate parents, teachers,
and administrators in schools, we need to start with very simple basics.
Like the listowner, who heard "LGBT Parenting Conference," and
thought I said, "Bacchanalian sex orgy," many people are still
frightened by our words, our existence, and a simple smile across the
room when homosexuality is rumored to be involved. We need to remind them
that we are not talking about sex or even sexuality (we can get to that
later). We are talking about families, and the diverse makeup of all of
our families. We are talking about their cousins and aunts; about their
nephew and his partner. We are talking (who knew?) about their parents.
So in deciding to take a stand
against homophobia and exclusionary policies, something else has been
revealed, and what a surprise to find yet another face of the gay community,
of the gay parenting community. Underneath what appeared to be hostility
and religiosity is a woman ashamed of her own lesbian mother, teaching
her children that their grandmother is a sinner.
The damage done to our families
from years of homophobia and internalized shame is hard to undo, but if
we make our school systems safe for gay-parented families, maybe one day
her children will come home from school and talk about their friends,
who have two moms, and slowly, slowly, the tide will turn. I do believe
that both the Jewish and Christian scriptures teach us that it is a child
that shall lead us. The lessons our children are taught in school about
the diversity and acceptance of all family forms, will be brought home
to their parents, hopefully making the world safer not only for gay youth,
not only for kids being raised by LGBT parents, but also for the parents
living in shame about the gay-parented families that reared them.
Arlene Istar Lev, LCSW, CASAC is a family therapist, activist, and
lesbian mom to two handsome sons. Find her on the web at www.choicesconsulting.com
and www.proudparenting.com
(search: Dear Ari)